As a single parent, as a human, I’ve made mistakes on my parenting journey. Here I have listed 9 mistakes I admit to. I hope this list can help other single parents out there too.
Introduction
My son was 3 years old when his father left us and we became a single parent household. I’ve been a single mum for nearly 10 years now. I’ve tried my best, but I’ve also struggled.
I’ve also made mistakes! We all do! But acknowledging these mistakes helps me to be a better parent and may help other single parents out there too!
Here are 9 mistakes I’ve made as a single parent:
ONE: Trying to do it all.
When my ex left us, a close family member said to me, with no malice intended, but rather with loving concern, “You’re a single mum now. You’re going to struggle.” This really stuck with me, because not only did I not want to struggle, but I didn’t want to become a stereotype of a struggling, broke single mum.
I wanted to do it all.
I wanted to work and save money and get in the best financial position I could, for myself and my son.
I wanted to give my son all the opportunities he deserved. I wanted to have a social life, maintain a clean and tidy house, enrol Andy in extra curricular activities, be a good sister, daughter, friend and the best mum (and dog mum) I could possibly be. All while managing and directing a child care centre full time.
The only trouble with all that was, I was putting so much pressure on myself!
I didn’t see why I shouldn’t try to do it all.
But then I got burnt out.
And my son just wanted quality time with me.
And I got sick.
And Andy got sick.
And I had no family support around me, so everything just seemed THAT MUCH HARDER.
Bottom line here: I shouldn’t have to try to do it all.
Options can be: Be kind to myself, and just do what I can. A realisation that energy comes in cycles. We can’t possibly have maximum energy ALL the time.
Another option here is to ask for help.
Which brings me to my next point.
TWO: Not asking for help.
I’ve always thought of myself as a very independent person and I’m not one to readily ask for help.
I’ve been living out of home since I was 18 years old and I’m used to looking after myself.
My parents are divorced and don’t live in the same city as me so they have never been readily available to call upon if I needed help with parenting.
My ex has long periods away and typically has my son every second weekend. He’s also not someone I would rely on for help, as we have had our fair share of conflict while co-parenting.
So, I get used to just managing.
Not asking for help.
The problem with this is that I get overwhelmed. And burnt out.
And certain things start to suffer. Such as my health, my social life, my general well-being.
We all need support. We all need help sometimes.
Learning to reach out and actually ASK for help when you need it is so important! You can read this article HERE on Single Parenting Stress1.
And like with anything, with practice, you can master a skill. None of us want to become a burden on others, but help can be in the form of a babysitter so we can have a night out, it could be asking for help during school holiday time, or even asking a friend’s parent for their help swapping play dates.
Bottom line here: If you need help, it’s important to actually ASK for help.
If help is not available in one place, try elsewhere, or find solutions to make things easier on yourself. You can read my article HERE on How to Thrive, not just Survive as a single mum.
THREE: Comparing myself to other mums
‘Comparison is the thief of joy’
Theodore Roosevelt
Why do we do this??
We all know there’s no point in comparisons.
We are all different.
We were raised differently.
We come from different backgrounds.
We have different pressures and stresses.
We have different children, and ex partners and different family situations.
Our financial situations are different, as well as our health statuses, our coping strategies and our support systems.
But we all still compare ourselves to other mums.
It’s human nature I suppose, but it’s also fruitless.
I used to compare myself to the mums at my son’s primary school, who bought the best of everything for their kids, who had time to run their kids to 6 different extra curricular activities per week (you can read my article HERE about why Kids don’t need ALL the extracurricular activities), who attended all the school events and who had huge houses, swimming pools, 2 family cars and extravagant birthday parties for their kids.
These families however, were not single parent households, they had double incomes, they had grandparents around on a regular basis to help out with after school activities or school drop offs and they were running successful businesses.
I have learned from (most) of my mistakes and I must say I now run my own race. I’m less inclined to compare myself to other mums, other one parent families or other two parent families, but more inclined to compare myself to past versions of myself, to see my growth, to appreciate my journey, my strengths and my accomplishments.
Bottom line here:
It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others but it really doesn’t bring any joy.
We are all in such unique situations that all comparisons are going to bring, is likely to be negative feelings such as jealousy, inadequacy or frustration.
FOUR: Putting my own health as a lower priority
This is just what we do as parents, right? We put the needs of our kids ahead of our own needs. We put our health, our wellbeing, our wants and needs at the back of the priority list, and we prioritise the kids.
The problem with this is, we can only do it for so long before our health and wellbeing will really suffer as a result.
It’s like the instructions on an aircraft say: Take care of your own oxygen mask first, because you’re no good to others unless you take care of yourself first.
I have delayed doctor’s appointments, skipped exercise, and ignored concerning health symptoms in the name of putting my son first and I’m just saying right now: no good can come from this!
Hindsight is a funny thing, but honestly, we hear it all the time, If you don’t have your health… you know the rest…
It’s not until you are faced with the consequences of ignoring your own health and wellbeing for too long, that you are sometimes brutally reminded how often you take your health for granted.
Bottom line here:
Get those symptoms checked
Make time for exercise
Make that doctor’s appointment
Find ways to relax and don’t ignore your mental health
Your kids need you to be happy and healthy.
FIVE: Being too generous with my time and money.
Being the Yes girl.
Why have I freely given away my time and my money as if I’m in a household with a double income and as if I only need to work 2 days a week, with loads of free time?!
I’m all for being a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter and a great mum, but there have been times I have been a little too generous I think.
I could have said No when my ex asked to borrow money from me.
I could have said No when my friend asked me to help HER friend re organise their basement.
Bottom line here: I need to respect my own time and protect my money. I need to learn to say No. I’m still learning.
SIX: Going to bed too late
I know I’m not the only mother / single mother doing this. You can read this article HERE on ‘The parental urge to stay up late, even when you know you’ll regret it2‘
We put the kids to bed and stay up later than we should, just to get some alone, adult time. Some time to watch some trashy TV, scroll on our phones or read a magazine.
Before we know it, it’s 11:30pm and we know we will hate the morning alarm more than we should.
We wake up, promising to ourselves it will be an early night that night, only to repeat the cycle.
Otherwise, when do we get the alone time? The adult time? The peace?
It may not make complete sense but it makes a bit of sense, and all I can tell myself is that I need more sleep accumulated over the week.
Bottom line here: Most mothers / single mothers will get it, but seriously, try to get to bed earlier than usual, just every now and then, and see how much better you feel, and how much better you actually function.
SEVEN: Not taking baths and reading books often enough
I LOVE baths and I LOVE reading a good book. Sometimes together, sometimes independent of each other but I never seem to make enough time to do these things that I love.
Sometimes I tell myself I’ll reward myself with a bath or some reading time ‘when all the chores are done’ but the problem with that is, the chores are never ALL done!
So, why don’t I just DEAR or DEAB? (Drop Everything and Read, or Drop Everything and Bathe)??
I can’t even answer my own question but I know I’m not doing things right.
Bottom line here: It’s a mistake to not make time for myself or to not prioritise doing things I enjoy every now and then.
Others will enjoy other, varied ways to switch off or to relax. Perhaps it’s meditation, yoga or playing music.
I love reading books and I love taking baths so doing the right thing for myself is to MAKE time for these things.
EIGHT: Yelling at my son. Smacking my son.
I’m not a perfect mum. The whole point of this article is to point out my mistakes.
So, in moments of extreme frustration, when I’m tired, sick, stressed, or all of the above, I have yelled at my son Andy. I also smacked him when he was much younger.
I even wrote a whole article on the whole issue of smacking, which you can read HERE, and it’s something that I think can be avoided with other, more effective behaviour management strategies, but yes, I smacked my son and yelled at him. I was also smacked as a child.
It doesn’t mean I think it’s ok, or that I was in the right in that moment. It simply means I was overwhelmed, I was stressed, and I was doing my best to cope as a newly single parent family, with many external pressures.
In hindsight, I definitely could have handled things better, but I still have moments of yelling at my son.
Quite honestly, are there actually parents out there who can say they have never yelled at their kids?
Bottom line here: No parents are perfect, and the majority of us would have yelled at our kids at some point. There would also be a certain percentage that would have smacked their kids, or who still do.
“While spanking may come as a result of frustration, especially with all of today’s stressors, it can lead to more than just localized pain for your child. Hitting kids can harm their development, especially younger children’s executive function, which are the cognitive skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control”
Michael Merzenich, Ph.D., a neuroscientist, professor emeritus at the University of California, San Francisco – Parents.com3
I think what’s important here is a bit of self reflection, an assessment of real family values, of parenting practices and some honesty about effective and realistic behaviour management strategies.
NINE: Trying to have the perfect, clean, tidy house.
Why??
We all want to live somewhere that’s clean, tidy and uncluttered, right?
I’ve thought about hiring a cleaner, but honestly, it’s not something I want to budget for. I prefer to put that money towards something else.
So.. we all have to do a certain amount of cleaning.
And tidying.
And decluttering.
And scrubbing.
Cleaning out cupboards.
Dusting.
Cooking.
Gardening.
Cleaning bathrooms and showers.
Washing.
The
LIST
JUST
GOES
ON!
The trouble is, you complete a few chores, and it just leads you to finding more that need to be done.
Of course I want it perfect!
But that’s just not realistic.
Who has the time to keep their household perfectly clean, tidy and organised 100% of the time? That would be a full time job!
Bottom line here: Be realistic. Weekends are not meant to be dedicated to cleaning and organising.
Sure, schedule time blocks4.
An hour or two of cleaning, washing, or tidying.
Or whatever works for you!
Just remember.. there will always be chores. They’re also not going anywhere. So enjoy the quality one on one time with your kids.
Or without them.
The chores will always be there waiting for you when you decide to revisit them.
Summary
Acknowledging our mistakes helps us to learn from them and hopefully improve how we do things.
“We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.”
Steve Maraboli 5– ‘Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience’
As parents, as humans, we all make mistakes!
Parenting is hard, however the family structure!
Single parenting is a whole other ball game.
Single parent families don’t always have a support system.
We don’t usually have another adult to talk to at the end of the day, to de brief, to listen to us and to vent to.
So yes, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I’m also still learning from them, and while it’s been cathartic to acknowledge, write about and break down my mistakes, I’m also giving myself the grace to forgive myself and show kindness and understanding, to myself!
You might also be interested in my articles on:
Single Parenting Payment – HERE.
Co-Parenting; The Challenges, The Benefits And My Advice On How To Make It Work! – HERE
10 Ways To THRIVE, Not Just Survive, As A Single Mum – HERE
Triple P Parenting Program; What’s It All About? – HERE
Positive Affirmations For Mothers And Single Mums – HERE
A Single Mum’s Money Journey – HERE
Reference List:
- Single Parenting Stress: How to Beat Burnout, Kendra Cherry, VeryWellMind. Published: Jan 21, 2022. Accessed online at https://www.verywellmind.com/single-parenting-stress-how-to-beat-burnout-5216180 on June 22, 2023.
- The parental urge to stay up late, even when you know you’ll regret it, Penelope Clifton, News.com.au. Published: Feb 14, 2023. Accessed online at https://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/wellness/sleep/the-parental-urge-to-stay-up-late-even-when-you-know-youll-regret-it/news-story/c4d28a76e5a9c2ffeeb5b3c30c0b3d9b on June 22, 2023.
- You Hit Your Kid and Shouldn’t Have, Now What?, Carli Pierson, Parents.com. Published: Dec 23, 2022. Accessed online at https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/you-hit-your-kid-and-shouldnt-havenow-what/ on June 22, 2023.
- Are you time blocking your calendar? Here’s why you should start now, Julia Martins, Asana. Published: Oct 13, 2022. Accessed online at https://asana.com/resources/what-is-time-blocking on June 22, 2023.
- https://www.stevemaraboliblog.com/