This article focuses on different parenting styles and in particular the difference between authoritarian and authoritative parenting. Learn more about each one and how they affect child development.
Introduction
I’m sure we can all agree that there are so many ways to be a parent, and the truth is, it can be hard to decide what kind of parent we want to be. No readily available manual will give us all the answers, and there is no ‘correct’ way of parenting either. It is up to each individual to find what works best for their parent-child relationship. A renowned psychologist and researcher, Diana Baumrind, classified parenting into four particular categories; authoritarian parenting styles, authoritative style, permissive (or Laissez Faire) and neglectful/uninvolved. We also know there are other styles such as attachment parenting and ‘free range’ parenting.
Not only do parenting styles influence the way children behave at home, but it is also directly correlated with children’s behaviour, emotional resilience, academic performance and personality. Continue reading to learn more about the different parenting styles and how they affect children, particularly the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting.
An authoritative parenting style is about setting limits and boundaries for children but also being sensitive to children’s feelings. It is also known as gentle parenting. Although parents have certain expectations from children, they are also nurturing and offer more emotional support. This parenting style allows children to learn more effectively because authoritative parents teach and guide them, and communicate openly. Authoritative parenting is highly effective because it is balanced, and the foundation is based on mutual respect, trust and love.
Authoritative parenting involves:
● Showing warmth and interest towards children
● Setting clear limits and expectations
● Providing reasons as to why things need to be a certain way rather than expecting obedience
● Giving children choices and valuing their opinion
An authoritarian parenting style is when parents believe that children need to follow all rules, and there is little room for negotiation or understanding of children’s feelings. Parents often view themselves as superior and use phrases such as “Because I told you to” or “I won’t hear anything else” to show power over children. There is little room for negotiation, empathy and respect.
Below are some characteristics of authoritative parents:
● Set strict rules for children and will enforce punishment if not followed
● Don’t allow children to make choices
● Have lots of demands but less responsiveness and affection towards children
● Little or no value for children’s emotional needs
● Don’t allow mistakes and will shame or punish children if something doesn’t go their way
What are the other styles of parenting?
Besides authoritarian and authoritative parenting, there are other styles known as permissive (or Laissez faire), neglectful/uninvolved, and attachment parenting.
Permissive parenting (also known as Laissez Faire parenting) is a more laidback approach in which parents have low demands from children. They are warm, caring and create rules but do not focus on enforcing them.
Neglectful/uninvolved parenting refers to parents who aren’t really available to give support to children. In more extreme cases, they may be unable to provide children with food, clothing, shelter, and schooling. An article by ABC explains that alcoholism, mental health issues, and drug addiction are contributing factors to neglectful parenting. You can read my article on Child Protection HERE which goes into more detail about neglect as a form of child abuse.
Attachment parenting focuses on a nurturing parenting style and closeness between parent and infant from a young age. It is about physical closeness and parental warmth as well as empathy and high levels of responsiveness.
Although the two do sound similar, and it can be hard to distinguish between them, both parenting styles have key differences, and it’s essential to know how they differ.
One of the most important differences between the two is that authoritative parenting does not demand obedience from children. Instead, they provide reasons to help children understand why they should behave in a certain manner. There is a high level of parent involvement and this then promotes higher self esteem and fosters the child’s independence skills rather than just blind obedience, potentially low self esteem and antisocial behavior.
Simply put, it comes down to how parents exert power over their children. Even though both parenting styles have high expectations from children, authoritative parents are much more responsive to children’s needs. Authoritative parenting involves setting limits but also helping, guiding and supporting children to meet expectations. On the other hand, authoritarian parents tend to set strict rules and expectations for children but provide limited emotional support. They might even yell or threaten children until a task is complete, and deliver harsh punishment.
Although authoritative parents do have expectations from children, authoritative parents tend to get down to children’s level and help them to thrive through a balance of both boundaries and support. Providing love and respect instead of enforcing rules, carrying out punishments and making threats, makes children feel valued and ensures they are much more likely to experience academic success, to have more positive behaviors overall and to self regulate their behavior and their emotions.
Try to be a good role model as children observe and pick up positive behaviour from you. E.g. instead of yelling, if you speak in a soft tone, children are more likely to respond in a gentle tone too. Having discussions is a great way to help children understand concepts and reasoning.
Yes, authoritarian parenting is a rigorous parenting style in which little or no emotional support is provided to children. Parents simply negatively exert their power expecting children to fulfil demands without any room for discussion or compromise. Punishments are also often used to teach children a lesson, leaving them feeling like they don’t have a voice and can’t share their opinion.
● For example, if a child really wants ice cream at the grocery store and is having a tantrum, an authoritative parent may respond by telling them, “I understand you are upset and disappointed, but as we talked about before, we need to go home and have a nice, healthy lunch and we already have some delicious yoghurt at home. Would you like to pick a fruit or a new yoghurt for next time, instead?”
● An authoritative parent may expect children to help with household chores but will also give them choices about what they want to do. For example, “It’s 7 pm. Would you like to help set the table or pack your bag for school tomorrow?”
● Using the grocery store example above, an authoritarian parent may yell at the child and tell them to stop crying over an ice cream. They might even threaten or shame the child by saying, “How many times do I have to repeat the same thing” or ‘stop it or else…”
● “It’s 7 pm, pack your bag and set the table. Do as I say, or you won’t be able to go to the park tomorrow”.
What is the best parenting style?
As summed up in an article by CNBC, studies have found that authoritative parents are more likely to raise confident, content children who have healthier social and academic skills.
Permissive parents tend to do things for their children to keep them happy. In contrast, authoritative parents will encourage children to problem-solve to seek answers and allow them to make mistakes to learn from them.
Let’s look at how each type of parent would respond to a specific situation.
For example, two siblings are fighting over the TV remote and wish to watch two different shows at the same time.
A permissive parent may not want to hurt the children’s feelings. They might re-direct the children by saying, “Let’s go to the park and get an ice cream”. This way, both children are happy, but the children have not learned anything about coworking out the solution to the problem.
An uninvolved/neglectful parent won’t really bother too much and will be busy finishing their own agenda.
An authoritarian parent might react by threatening children and saying, “If you don’t stop fighting, I’m going to spank both of you”.
Lastly, an authoritative parent will be calm and help children understand that fighting is not the solution. They might ask children to take turns watching their show by recording one, so they can watch it later. Communicating with the children and reasoning with them helps them develop skills for problem-solving and conflict resolution in the future.
Conclusion
How you interact with your child during the early years strongly impacts children’s growth and development, and overall family life too! Just remember that there is no right or wrong way of parenting. Consider children’s personalities and specific needs when deciding what is best for them. Many parents will use a combination of different parenting styles throughout a child’s life, depending on external factors, stress levels, family pressures and health.
Authoritarian parenting can be quite harsh for children as parents may have high expectations, and children’s feelings aren’t really noticed, causing self-esteem issues. Contrastingly, authoritative parenting is considered highly effective as there is a healthy balance between setting boundaries and providing emotional support. Regardless of what parenting style you choose, the focus should be on raising a confident child who is valued and supported to be the best version of themselves.
